Breastfeeding and Intimacy: Information for Nursing Parents & Partners

It really shouldn't be surprising that the experience of childbirth, a significant amount of sleep deprivation, and a radically new family structure can create some very strong shock waves in a couple's relationship. Many parents are startled by the swings in their feelings about each other and their desire for sexual contact. Complicating things more is the fact that each parent's experiences differ in such important ways at first. Mothers may feel in almost constant physical contact with their babies while partners look on, desiring more closeness. At the end of the day, a new mother may have had so much "touching" that sex is the last thing on their mind. At the same time, the non-breastfeeding partner may feel especially in need of some physical sign of their affection. This is not always the case, of course. Some breastfeeding parents (and their partners) experience less sexual desire during certain phases of parenthood; others experience more. If you and your partner find that the intimacy of the breastfeeding period enhances your sexual life—or if you feel freed by the natural birth control benefits exclusive breastfeeding may provide during the first six months—take full advantage of it. If, on the other hand, your desires conflict, try to remember that this stage will pass. Focus on keeping the lines of communication open in the meantime. Remember that intimacy is not equated with having sexual intercourse; rather, it's important that you and your partner feel a closeness and bond with each other. Kisses, an occasional nuzzle, or a back rub may convey these feelings better than more intense physical contact. Sincere compliments can mean a lot to a new mother, who may feel less "put together" than they're used to and a little self-conscious about their postpartum shape. While couples may feel that their sex life has changed with the birth of the baby, studies have shown that most couples resume intercourse at about seven weeks postpartum. (Breastfeeding couples' sexual activity tends to resume more gradually than that of bottle-feeding couples throughout the first year, though.) It helps to take into account this typical pattern of sexual activity and understand that it's a normal part of the transition from pregnancy to life as a family. This can allow you to relax enough during this temporary glitch in your sex life to enjoy the wonderful changes that are happening in your family. In one study, pregnant women were asked to predict what their partners' attitudes toward breastfeeding would be. Surprisingly, their responses were highly inaccurate (hardly better than random guessing). Most believed that their partners were far more negative about breastfeeding than they actually were. For this reason, it's important to share your feelings about breastfeeding and new parenthood with your partner whenever possible. Conversations like these can help preserve the intimacy of your relationship during the physically challenging early months. They can also support your partner in their breastfeeding efforts at a time when every encouraging word helps. If you love the sight of your partner breastfeeding your baby, tell them how it makes you feel. If you consider their nursing parent's figure just as sexy, let them know. Share with them your pride in their commitment to breastfeeding as they nurse or pump their milk to nourish the child the two of you created. Such words of support and affirmation can act as a highly effective aphrodisiac for many new parents (if not now, then later). They can also improve your relationship even as they ensure your child's continued good health.